Our little family has changed a lot in the last two years as well. We added Georgia to our family. Del and I struggled in our marriage as we tried to figure out how to go from two people to four (I highly recommend marriage therapy). We left our church of 10 years, and are working to settle into a new church family. My mother and father-in-law moved to be closer to us, and I have never felt more consistent love from my family.
Yet inside of my body I feel so incredibly lost. Someone at work told me they were going to start looking for a new job. When they told me that it caused a spark inside of me that is gradually turning into a brush fire. I applied to a different job within the same company and start next week. When I told my boss that I was quitting my job she asked me why. I told her, “because I haven’t thought about myself in the last four years.” It hasn’t been four years, it’s been 35. Without consciously realizing it, most of the moves I made were to keep myself safe from others.
My childhood was hard. Most days we didn’t know what it was going to be like when he came home. Would he come home with a new movie and we’d get to watch something Disney on VHS? Or would he come home screaming and yelling at us? I quickly learned that the easiest way to survive was to be perfect. It’s hard to be mad at a little girl when she’s getting straight A’s, running lots of clubs, and getting a master’s degree in her twenties. I did it all so he would love me, but he hasn’t called me to check in since… I can’t remember when? It turns out when people are screaming at you it’s really about their pain and not the things you were doing. Why am I living this life pleasing people who don’t care if I’m happy?
I’m trying to figure out what my happy is. I bought a singing bowl in Ann Arbor to practice meditation. Del and I are going to Utah on a spiritual retreat in September. I’m going to try a pottery class in a few months. I’ve been completely changing how I style my hair every single day.
It turns out the little girl who is scared and hiding never fully got to come out. She was trapped in the corner just trying not to get yelled at. I’m trying to let her out more and more and see what she wants to do. Today, she wanted to write this and so I did.