On getting snubbed…

A few days ago, I got snubbed. I was ignored, dismissed, and left to feel small. The cold shoulder in pure form.

I was talking to my friend ‘Jan.’ As we were chatting ‘Constance’ started to walk towards us. I don’t know Constance well, but we’ve seen each other around. Constance walks up to our conversation, and then BAM – Constance snubs me. She starts chatting with Jan, completely ignoring me. I tried to enter back in on their conversation only to have Constance slightly turn her back towards me. #coldshoulder

I get it buddy – it sucks.

What the shit, right? A snubbing from a grown ass woman! Who does that?

The next day I found myself obsessing over the encounter. Why would she snub me? I’m not mean, I’m not cruel. I’ve never done anything to her, have I?

Why would Constance do this? I bet she needs to think she’s better than everyone else because she feels small. I bet her husband is a jerk to her so she takes it out on other women. I probably intimidate her with my Honda Civic and stats talk, because that is SO intimidating.

I called my best friend and told her about the snubbing. I just needed to hear someone be like, “Do you need me to slap this chick – I’ll do it!”

Then, I started comparing myself to Constance. Of course, I won in every comparison. I’m smarter than Constance. I’m prettier. I have a better job, a nice house, and a better husband. Who does Constance think she is to treat me like that?

But after way too much thought, all of my thoughts boiled down to two questions.

1) How could one simple action result in me feeling so small?

I drifted back to second grade, which is the first time I lost a friend.

Jenny and I were best friends. One day Jenny and I were playing on the playground. Then, the new girl Tony wanted to play with us. I was excited for a new friend. Within days, Jenny stopped playing with me and became best friends with Tony.

Tony never liked me. I remember crying to my mother about losing a friend. I remember feeling small and unimportant. Why didn’t Jenny like me anymore? What the heck Tony?

I had forgotten about that moment for decades because – I mean – I was seven years old. But with a simple turn of the shoulder, Constance brought me back to second grade.

In second grade I learned that some people just won’t like you. I learned that some people do not want to be your friend. I learned what it is to lose a friend over pettiness.

The situation left me feeling inferior because deep down I have an insecurity that people will not like me as I am. I think a lot of people are terrified of that, which brings me to the second question…

2) What gives another woman value?

I’ve spent the last few days wondering about what gives someone value. Change is constant. If I set my value in changing things they are likely to be lost in a moment.

I have a good job. What happens if I lose that job? Do I still have value?

So I have a good husband. What happens if my husband dies (Del, you’re not allowed to die – FYI)? Am I no longer valuable?

I’m pretty. Beauty is not eternal. Do I still have value if I’m no longer pretty?

When I think of why I’m valuable, it comes down to one thing: I am valuable because I am child of God. I am His, so I am worthy. That is constant. That is true.

Furthermore, when that is my standard it makes me think of Constance differently.

I am a child of God, and so is Constance. She cannot be better than me, and vice versa. God loves us the same. And if He loves us the same, I am called to love Constance.

I can see why Constance is loved. She is good with people (other than me, apparently). She has wonderful taste in clothing. She seems to have an abundance of friends.

So I’m taking my best friend’s advice, “You have to kill her with kindness. It’s a long-term plan, but in the end it’s the only thing that works.” She went onto say, “And the kinder you are, the more it highlights what she is doing.”

I don’t need to snub Constance or cut her down (although I’ve toiled with the thought). Because deep down, I’m guessing that she is like all of us; just a bundle of weird childhood insecurities we need to overcome.

However, I don’t need Constance’s approval or even her friendship. I’m not seven anymore. I like who I am. I love myself, because God loved me first.

 

On what I’ve learned from my friends…

Last week I was talking to someone about the election. Yeah – my mistake.

Half way through the conversation the person said, “I don’t know how anyone could vote for candidate _____.” The person then went on to say, “Any people I know that support _____, I am no longer friends with. I got rid of those people.

We are all entitled to form with relationships with any people we please. But the idea of quickly throwing someone away over a political disagreement makes me feel sad.

So I wanted to shift the conversation away from differences, and focus on something positive: what the amazing people in my life have taught me. I thought of all of the incredible people I’ve had the privilege of meeting, and then I thought about what I learned from our friendship. To the people in my life – I love you. Thanks for helping me become a better person.

Without further ado, here are the lessons I’ve learned from my friends.

Alex Cash – Think about everything. Question everything. Remain open-minded.

Alexa Zimmerman – By the time she is age five, your niece can easily become a better person than you may be.

Amy Gafjken – While it’s tempting to correct people when they’re wrong, sometimes it’s better to remain silent.

Ashley Woods – Life is full of so much joy, so grab all of that each moment you can.

Barry Schmidt – Read the news, watch the news, and listen to the news. Just be informed.

Ben Klomsten – Don’t break the rules, find ways to make them bend.

Ben Vance – When the chips are down for a friend, be the person that calls to pick that person up.

Brian Goins – The most talented people need not brag, because their confidence comes from what they can do.

Brandy DeLeo – Be kind as long as you can. If being kind doesn’t work – just shrug it off.

Bri Campo – Great friends are sacrificial.

Bri Fox – Advocate for yourself. Speak up for your needs. And never be scared to ask a good friend for help.

Cassi Hodgson – Any moment can become a silly moment.

Chris Cooper – You don’t have to put up with a shitty spouse. A good person will treat you well.

Courtney Kruse – Don’t rush through life. Take moments to do fun and silly things.

 Danielle Dobies – Share your challenges with people – it helps them understand that life can be difficult.

Dan Kruse – Some people were born to give clear, concise directions.

Darrin Matthew Voris – Be the person that brings people together.

Del Belcher IV – Be kind to people. Try new things. Spend money on things you love.

Drew VanTongeren – Find ways to turn negative conversation into something productive.

Frances Gibbs – Don’t be afraid to try something you’ve never done before.

Gary Miles – Energetic children are a thing of joy, and their adventures should be shared on Facebook.

Gloria Klomsten – It doesn’t take anything away from yourself to compliment a stranger.

Guy McHendry – You really can have amazing discourse on Facebook, if the person leading knows what they’re doing.

Haley Mulroney – The first person you love more than yourself will likely be your niece.

Heidi Rhodes – The greatest joy in life comes from being with your friends.

Jack Campo – When you’re at work, give people your best. Help them. Serve them.

Jason Zimmerman – When giving people gifts, go all out.

Jessica Pierce – Children are amazing, and we need to do everything we can to understand them.

Jill Shaffer (I could probably devote a few blogs to how much I learned from Jill) – Before you speak, take a deep breath and think about what you’re going to say.

John Voelz – Be yourself. Always.

Jolene Schatzinger – You really can be kind to everyone.

Julia Belcher – Speak with everyone. Listen to them.

Justen Rhodes – Don’t just talk about helping people. Actually help people.

Karysa Trombley – Be boldly confident in the person that God made you to be.

Kelly Heath – You can be a busy and active mother, and raise outstanding children.

Mary Sterrett – Arrogance doesn’t look good on people. You can simply exist as an amazing person.

Mandy Stutenberg – Women can do anything and everything. And they can do it with unparalleled strength and grace.

Megin Worsham – Just because someone is quiet, doesn’t mean they aren’t the wisest person in the room.

Melissa Rickert – People are attracted to the person that gives them a kind smile.

Nancy Belcher – Diplomacy is learned over time, through interactions with people different than yourself.

Nicholas Quade – You don’t have to agree about everything (or even anything) in order to be friends with someone.

Paul Health – Be kind to your children, and make sure they always help the Sunday school teacher pick up a mess.

Renee Guerrero – Be passionate about what you believe in.

Robert Huschka – A good leader is willing to listen to anyone in the room.

Ryan Rammelt – The average person has more depth than you’ll ever know.

Shane Ebel – There is no problem too great than cannot be improved with one solid hug.

Stephanie Klomsten – A well planned party is a thing of beauty.

Stephanie Wright – Advocate for people that need help.

Steve Klomsten – Try to understand people. Seriously try.

Steve Trosin – Love your community, and try to make it better.

Terri McGarry – When people are talking to you – stop what you’re doing and listen.

Theresa Sieg – When cancer gets you down, tell cancer to go fuck itself.

Tim Maynard – Never doubt the power of well-placed sarcasm.

How about you? Who are the people you’ve learned from in your life? How have they helped you become a better person?

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