On the pace of Carly…

I never knew how much I did until I couldn’t do much.

Carly was born on April 12. Perfect. Screaming red. An Apgar 10.

However, she didn’t do one thing – latch. Try after try she wouldn’t eat. So I spent 5 days manually expressing. What I didn’t know for my body, is that squeezing honey through a dot is back breaking. So after 5 days my back actually went out.

I was down. The only thing I could lift was Carly to feed her. In between sides my husband or mom would burp her. I couldn’t lift her to change diapers. I couldn’t make meals. I could barely walk.

This is the pace of Carly.

I spent the last few years at a 10. The day before I delivered I walked 5 miles. Up at 6, work, work out, food, clean, sleep. Do it again.

But there I sat. Feeling sad, and sore, and tired and helpless. I cried again and again.

But this is the pace of Carly.

Not a 10, but a 1.

And God knew better than I. The only way to make me slow down, is to actually force me to stop.

So I stopped. I watched TV. I played on Facebook. And… I learned to enjoy the pace of Carly.

She’s little and sweet and slow. She naps a lot. Likes breastfeeding. And just started lifting her head. I look at her perfection and it makes me cry.

At a 10, I would have missed these things. But at a 1, I saw them all. A new life, my perfect daughter, starting her paces.

At my worst, moments from breaking, God spoke to me. He didn’t say to run or to work. He said “Stop. Stop now. You’re only job is to take care of Carly.”

So I’m taking care of her. My mom, my husband, and my mother-in-law are helping take care of me.

Because this is the pace of Carly.