On stopping…

I’m good at doing things. I mean, I’m good at getting things done. If asked whether I would want to nap or do stuff – I would pick doing stuff 99% of the time.

There’s a lot of stuff you need to do before you have a baby. For planners like me, it’s a great time for checklists and ideas. As 20 weeks turned into 25, and 30 into 35, we are now at week 47. I am not certain when the “to-do-list” should have everything checked off, but my lists are all done.

The house is spotless, the go bag is packed, the pediatrician is selected and 100 kegels a day. I have checked to do lists, and I cannot find anything left on any of them.

All that is left now – is stopping. When I typed the word ‘stopping’ I started to cry.

I have not stopped…. ever. Yes, I know new motherhood will be a time of big change. I know I will get less sleep, I will be tired, and life will be hard for a while. I have always expected my life to be difficult, so the majority of the time I come out surprised that I made it through. I’m not 18 and having a baby. I’m 32, and I listen to my friends. I’m not expecting roses and candy; I’m expecting a new life.

I think of all the times I probably should have stopped and looked around and enjoyed the moment. I probably should have rested for a moment after grad school, but instead I started working full-time. A doctor would have likely told me that I should not work out after I hurt my knee doing split squats, but why would I stop when the pain was only a nine? I started working as soon as I could, while playing sports and running clubs. Since I was a teenager, I have been moving and doing.

In a moment of silence this morning, a rarity for me, I took a moment to look around and see what my life has become. My family is humble, and it feels arrogant to list my accomplishments. Yet, I’m 32 with a fantastic husband, amazing house, great job, and I made it through most of pregnancy at a healthy weight. I earned my MA at age 23, I’m on the board of a local non-profit where I just redid an entire website, and I have the most amazing group of lady friends I could ever wish for. Most importantly, my husband, myself, and our incoming baby are healthy. The grace of God got me here. Oh yes, and sacrifice, hard work, eating well, exercise, not being an ass-bag, and making good life choices. I’m scared that if I say out loud how happy I am with my life it could all be taken away. So rather than stop and acknowledge where I am – I keep going.

When it comes to babies, babies stop. They live, they breathe, they eat, they poop, and they stop. They have no skills for working, no muscles for moving, and no grasp of how to talk. I believe this is as God intended. My list and my life, for this season, will stop just to do this one thing. All I need to do is take care of this precious life that God has given us. I’m terrified to stop, and grateful for the opportunity to learn what our life with a baby will become. I’m open to what is next, and terrified.

There is nothing left to do, but to stop.