On the boundaries of my body…

Sometimes I think about how hard life can feel.

Flooded house. Celiac disease. Neck pain. The list goes on…

In those moments, I often wonder about one question: “What is my own?”

I’ve thought about this for months. I’ve lost sleep over it. But one day, there’s only one thing that came as a consistent certainty.

My body. It is mine. It is always my own.

As a child, I was molested. That impacts you. But what it stole from me is this notion that my body was mine.

That followed me. When I dated boys, they took advantage of this weakness of mine. I thought my body was not mine, but it was for them to be used.

But this extends beyond physical pleasure.

My husband tells me I’m beautiful. But in my life, I’ve had maybe three days where I’ve believed that to be true.

My outward appearance has never satisfied me. I work out six days a week. I do it out of fear that if my body is not pleasing to others, I am a disappointment.

Again, my body is not my own. But it is all I will ever always have.

Yet this thing that is my own, is often the most threatened.

Women upset men online. A common male reaction is to threaten rape. A man wants to take from me the one thing I have.

A Disney princess is always beautiful. A Barbie is always thin. Name three ugly actresses?

When will it ever be enough? Why is external beauty even important?

Because somehow the devil has beaten me in this.

He took a culture, and convinced us the outside of our bodies are more important than our heart’s desires.

He took one whole gender, and convinced them that physical assault – or threatening it – is an option (1 in 3 women will be sexually assaulted – these are our sisters and daughters).

And he took children, like me – and put us in situations where the one thing we ever really had was stolen.

Well, today I declare the one thing we must always say to the devil: “Go fuck yourself.”

This body is mine. You cannot take it. It is my own, and no matter what you put on me – you will not win.

Because regardless of what you take, oh Devil, Jesus gave up His body so I could love this one.

So fuck you. Today and every day after. Because this body is mine own.

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