In the spirit of personal growth, I wanted to write a different style blog. A post to highlight my genetic sarcasm.
About two months ago we moved into our new house. And by new, I mean – this house was just birthed from the abyss of construction a few months before we moved in. New walls, new carpet, new flooring. New, new, new…
Two weeks after we moved in – and the day after our house warming party (see irony, check), our house flooded.
Our washing machine was on the top floor. I loaded it up, and went for a one hour walk (if you just said “You should’ve never left the house while you were doing laundry,” you can stop reading. When was the last time a “You should” ever helped anyone?). When I walked into the house, I heard a waterfall-like sound. A waterfall-like sound is only beautiful when you hear it while you’re outside. I turned around the corner of the house entry-way, and there was water coming through a light in the ceiling. The washing machine hose got disconnected from the wall due to improper installation. The water flooded into two upstairs rooms, throughout our kitchen and living room, and through to the basement. That night, service master came, and in 5 hours they ripped apart and took out everything that was ‘new, new, new’ in our ‘new, new, new’ house. So for the last six weeks, our house has been a construction site. We’ve been waiting for fans to dry everything out, ceilings to be redone, and floors to come in.
Thankfully, insurance is covering the $20,000 (yeah, $20,000) cost to repair the damage.
Without futher ado….
HOW TO SURVIVE YOUR NEW, NEW, NEW, HOUSE FLOODING
1. Stop the source
You walk in. You hear water when you should be hearing silence. Don’t freak out (see step #2 and #3). Find the source of the water, if you can stop it. Seriously, stop that $hit.
If there is water coming through a light fixture, grab the nearest trash can. Take the bag of trash out of said trash can, and put it under the water source.
Find all of your precious towels and semi-loved blankets, and start absorbing whatever water you can.
2. Call your spouse/loved one/parent and freak out
“Honey……….. noooooooooooo…………… our house. Come home….. quick. Our perfect house is (sob, sob, sob) RUUNIIIINNNNEEDDDDD FFOOOORREEEVVVVER.”
Hang up phone. Wait for spouse to come.
3. Freak the f$&@ out
Get on your knees, preferably not under that water, and throw your hands in the sky ala Platoon style.
|“This is why we don’t have nice thingsss…..”|
Scream things like, “This is why we don’t have nice things….. God doesn’t want me to have nice things….”
Move from your knees onto your back to both survey the ceiling water damage, as well as ensure you don’t keel over from your massive sobs.
Whilst on your back, scream things into the abyss such as, “Bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…………. Nooooooooo………….”
4. Hug your spouse/loved one/parent when they come in
Hug your spouse. Take a few deep breathes (you probably need to catch your breath after that glorious freak out, I mean – wasn’t that amazing).
Find your homeowners insurance policy.
Call your agent. If he/she doesn’t respond, email your agent.
When your agent doesn’t respond, call the insurance company directly. Tell them your house is flooded. Provide your policy details.
5. Call service master
Holy crap. No company name has ever had a better name. They are truly masters of service.
Call service master. They take care of flood damage (and fire, and ‘home accidents’).
Wait quietly, powerless, for service master to come.
6. Drink a beer.
Or two. You need it.
7. Watch service master fix your life
Service master comes in. Like a knight in shining armor, they take care of the water situation. They rip out all of your new, new, new, stuff that needs to come out so black mold doesn’t take over your new, new, new house. They turn on fans to dry everything out.
Watch as they turn the thermostat up to 90. In May.
Watch as the cover rooms in plastic to quarantine your house.
Service master, I love you. Seriously. If I weren’t married….
8. Wait for the insurance adjuster
He’ll be here in 5 days? Seriously? How many homes does he have to adjust?
We don’t need new carpet? I bet if this were his mother’s house she’d get new carpet.
Whatever ‘Chad,’ if that is your real name.
9. Call the insurance company’s contractor. Get an estimate.
You can be here in 5 days. Fine, whatever.
Your estimate is $5,000 over the adjuster because the adjuster missed the flooring, the ceiling, and a slew of other stuff. Yeah, not surprised. Never trust a man named Chad.
But insurance covers the difference because we used their recommended contractor? Well, that’s sweet.
10. Wait for your contractor
They’re on their third try of the ceiling, and they can’t match the texture?
They redo the ENTIRE ceiling, and it isn’t right.
11. Wait longer for your contractor
He said he’d be done June 10th, and now he says it’ll be closer to July.
Because they took too long on the ceiling.
Because they can’t find the right flooring.
Whoever prayed for me to be patient… I will find you.
12. Wait longer for your contractor
The flooring finally came, but its wrong because the guy that originally put it in can’t read a number on a box.
What. The. F$%#. Ever.
Just burn the house down and let’s rent. (not really, this is sarcasm)
13. Write a blog. Vent.
15. Pray some more
16. Pray even more
17. Read Lamentations for perspective
18. Read Job for perspective. Job had it super bad
19. Read terrible news stories for perspective
20. Chill. Chill. Chill.
21. Be Chill. Chill Chill.
24. Everything will be ok. Whooosaaaaa……
25. Everything will be ok…… Thank God for homeowners, service master, and good husbands…